I am back for another post. This week i will be doing the top 10 worst gimmicks of all time. The reason is because Halloween is coming up and I know most people will dress up so lets put on our costumes and start the countdown
10. PN news
PN News was fat. He was a fatty fat fatso. But he was also…phat?
That’s right. Phat with a “PH,” mothereffers! This was the early ’90s and rap was fun, god dammit! We had Kid n’ Play. Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince. Heavy D. Vanilla Ice in Ninja Turtles II. There were Pajama Jammy Jams every night! PN News was WCW’s lame attempt to try and do something “urban.” You can also lump the WWF’s Men on a Mission (Mabel and Mo) in this category of neon-colored, family-friendly old school rap n’ wrassle acts.
PN News actually had a somewhat high-profile feud with Paul E. Dangerously’s(Paul heyman)Dangerous Alliance. Before his matches, he’d get on the mic and rap a few lines that usually went a little something like “My name is PN News and I’m here to say, I’m going wrestle in a very special way…” Then he says, “Yo Baby, Yo Baby Yo” which was his way of trying to capture the magic of “Go Ninja Go Ninja Go.” Also, he looked like a giant alien potato covered in shame.
Repo Man (Demolition’s Barry Darsow) wasn’t an utter failure. He’s one of those strange gimmicks, that I mentioned previously, that stuck around for a few years. He was a cackling, goofy 1960s-era Batman TV villain-type character that loved nothing more than just straight-up swiping other people’s shit. He was part Frank Gorshin, part Hamburglar.
I’m not sure if they were ever really trying to convince us that he held down a steady job as an actual “Repo Man,” because all he really did was swipe things. He was pretty much like Swiper from Dora the Explorer. He’d sneak around and hide, and wait for his opportunity to jack someone’s jewels. He’d really just get into feuds because he was a thief that liked to take things that didn’t belong to him. Macho Man’ s hat. Tatanka’s feathers. Hulk Hogan’s prayers and vitamins.
Why did he have tire tracks on him? Why did he wear an eye mask? Why did he use a leg-grapevine submission as a finisher? Actually, looking back at him – he might have been a genius.
All is fair in love and war correct? Well, even though there was a Monday night ratings war between Nitro and RAW, it still didn’t seem right when the WCW created a character to serve as a personal attack on the WWF’s leading announcer Jim Ross.
Played by Ed Ferrara and co-created by Vince Russo, the character of Oklahoma was a not-so-subtle way for both Ferrara and Russo to air their grievances with their former co-worker Good Ol’ J.R. While many things were done between these two companies which seemed like exchanging blows in a fight, this would be the only punch that truly felt like it was under the belt. Making fun of J.R.’s announcing style and Bell’s Palsy, Ed Ferrara would do irreparable harm to his image within the industry by tastelessly poking fun at one of the most respected men in the business. Out of all the bad gimmicks on this list, Oklahoma serves as the only one that truly offended us.
7.THE DUNGEON OF DOOM
Hulk Hogan was new to WCW and needed some new bad guys to play with. Hey, how about a gaggle of moronic “dark” characters that he’ll just keep beating over and over again for a couple years? That sounds delightful. The Dungeon of Doom was supposed to be something to fear, but instead they were as laughable as they were inept. Erstwhile Satanist-caricature Kevin Sullivan, under the guidance of a wrinkled old “Master,” became the Taskmaster and set out to, one could only assume, embarrass the entire wrestling establishment top to bottom.
Among his minions were Kamala, Meng, The Shark (formerly Earthquake), The Loch Ness Monster (Haystacks Calhoun) and…the freaking Yeti. My god. The Yeti could have his own entry, but I decided to lump him in with this veritable “Island of Misfit Toys” of wrestling. See one of the videos below to behold the majestic Yeti in all his bandaged Hogan-humping glory.
Oh, and who could forget…Zodiac. Or is it The Butcher? Whatever. Ed “Zodiac/Butcher/Booty Man /Brutus Beefcake” Leslie takes our unofficial Gold Medal for Exceptional Achievement in Bad Gimmickry.
6.GLACIER, MORTIS and WRATH
Back in 1996 WCW had the phenomenally awesome idea of creating video game-inspired characters – reminiscent to those found in games such as “Mortal Kombat”. While there were three of them, Glacier (Ray Lloyd – aka Coach Buzz Stern), Mortis (Chris Kanyon) and Wrath (Bryan Clark – aka Adam Bomb), it would be Glacier who helped these three make their way onto our list. Spending a good amount of time feuding with each other, these three had extravagant outfits, mean attitudes and entrances which could make even multiple time world champions blush.
Glacier in particular was our favorite, as he was dressed up to look like ” Sub Zero” from the MK series – wearing a blue ninja outfit, white hair, strange contacts, a mask and occasionally a helmet (which we are told was a centuries old relic passed down by his karate instructor). While none of these guys were awful in the ring – Kanyon was actually very good – it would be the pandering to the younger gaming audience and the “trying too hard” look and feel that made these characters so embarrassing.
You may be asking: Why is Seven (or S7even, or 7even, or whatever) on this list? As, in the character’s first appearance he – being Dustin Rhodes (aka Goldust) – broke character and delivered a shoot interview on crappy gimmicks. Well, while we like the fact that the WCW was able to poke fun at itself for a gimmick which I’m sure they realized sucked in hindsight, the character had serious promos created in which Seven was built as a credible threat… or circus attraction.
After creating many promotional videos that had Seven in such menacing locations as outside a child’s window at night, Turner Broadcasting wisely put an end to the character stating that it might be construed that Seven was a child abductor, or something worse. Regardless, bad idea and all, Seven is one of the few characters on this list that created genuinely entertaining television… despite the atrocious gimmick.
Look at those space rockets that he shoots out of his space hands! Look at those fantastical laser beams that he uses to delight the masses? But why does he look like a cross between The Michelin Man and agony? Why is he a rippled, rubber piñata? Why does it look like he can be taken apart like a game of Connect Four?
Max Moon (Konnan) was one of those awful gimmicks that was meant to give the kiddies someone to cheer on. A smiling colorful douchebag that we’d see again in the form of Aldo Montoya (Justin Credible) and that we’d seen before in the form of Koko B. Ware. Always smiling. Just happy to be there. Win or lose.
Max Moon was a cyborg soldier from The Future, apparently sent back in time to make us all sick to our stomachs. Konnan wound up leaving the WWF, claiming discrimination (sound familiar?) forcing the WWF to find a different wrestler to wear the absurdly priced $1,300 costume.
There is one thing you can count on in the pro wrestling industry, and that is no matter whom you are, you have done something which you don’t want anybody to remember. The good news for all of us is that pro wrestling is recorded and achieved. So with the help of fan videos and humiliating “remember when” pieces we can humble big names in the wrestling industry. For this list we have decided to dig up dirt on Big Sexy Kevin Nash… or should we say Oz? Yes, Oz – as in The Wizard of. Back in WCW in 1991 Kevin Nash dropped his mohawked Master Blaster Steel gimmick only to upgrade (?) to that of the mysterious Oz. Ushered to the ring by the Great Wizard (Kevin Sullivan), Oz spoke with a commanding voice, wore emerald colors, a turban and mask that looked more like The Sultan from Disney’s Aladdin than something from the book/film The Wizard of Oz. Still, you need to hand it to Big Kev, as even with the bad gimmick WCW continued to push him – whether that was due to Nash’s stature and charisma or WCW refusing to acknowledge that the character of Oz was ill-conceived is still up in the air.
Let this be a warning to all those attempting to get into the business: There are video cameras on you at all times, don’t do anything you will regret for the rest of your life.
Wow. The Goon. Yes. You know there were a handful of these “occupational wrestlers” that went on to find a lot of success. Like Mike Rotunda’s IRS and Jacques Rougeau’s Mountie, but after a while people just didn’t want to see that any more. The WWF definitely passed on more than they approved. My question is…if the Baseball Player (with his face painted up like he was a Fury from The Warriors) didn’t make the cut, then why did they think The Goon (“Wild” Bill Irwin) stood a chance?
A big, clumsy and fumbly Hockey Player? With hair like an unmade bed? And wearing full hockey gear? I know it was a few years ago, but people still actually liked to watch fluid wrestling matches back then. Who would ever want to see someone compete wearing a complete body sheath? And man, could people have cared less about Hockey?
Apparently The Goon had been kicked out of every league he’d been a part of. But they could never kick him out of our hearts.
Again, you aren’t losing your mind, in fact you’re perfectly sane but I understand why you’re doubting yourself. You’re thinking how in the hell can someone have a shark-like gimmick, well the answer to your problem is: they can and they have. The worst moment in Shark Boy’s career was when he started taking on a Stone Cold gimmick saying things such as “Give me a shell yeah!” or “What?” and believe it or not but the shark actually drank beer at one stage! Ohhh, not to mention AND THAT’S THE FISHIN’ LINE COS SHARK BOY SAID SO!
For those that know their professional wrestling it will come as no surprise that we have chosen The Shockmaster as #1. Some wrestlers are given good gimmicks which can carry even the worst wrestler, some wrestlers are given mediocre gimmicks which they either make succeed or fail according to their ability, some wrestlers are saddled with bad gimmicks (as this list has shown) that will essentially bury a wrestler’s career, and then every once in a blue moon something so extraordinary happens that it will echo in the annals of wrestling history as a complete and utter embarrassment to the wrestler, the company and all those that are forced to share screen time with them… thus is THE SHOCKMASTER!!!
We’re not sure if we’re ultimately more offended by the fact that this witless meatball actually fell on his ass (actually making his mic’d teammates say out loud “He just fell on his ass!”) or by the fact that his costumed consisted of suspenders and a Storm Trooper helmet with blue glitter-glue all over it.
There you have it, my top 10 worst gimmicks of all time, my next will be the top 10 best gimmicks from the 80’s to the early 2000’s..Aslo follow me on twitter @julianexcalibur